“You want me on that wall, you need me on that wall.” Bo Pelini, the relentlessly angry coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, had his Colonel Jessup moment. You know the awesome scene from A Few Good Men when Hollywood D-bag Tom Cruise berates Jack Nicholson into revealing his true, brutal nature. Only Bo wasn’t in a Hollywood courtroom. He was cheerlessly downing adult beverages in what he mistakenly believed was a private setting. Luckily for those of us wretched enough to enjoy transcendent coach meltdowns, Bo unwittingly delivered an epic, f-bomb fan-rant against the long-suffering Husker faithful whose chief crime is unwavering loyalty to their beloved sports program. Every syllable he uttered in that secretly recorded 2011 rant dripped with unmitigated disdain. “F you, fans.” “They can all kiss my ass, F ‘em all. Blah, blah.” On this historic night, Bo generated enough priceless quotes to keep Midwestern sports radio flourishing for generations. More importantly, he revealed his true inner feelings to the very short list of people uninformed about his general loathsomeness.
And then, in true Colonel Jessup fashion, Bo followed it up with that awesome press conference in which he dared the poor, bewildered university officials to fire him.
“You f’ed with the wrong Marine!” Only one act remains in Pelini’s homage to Jessup, and that is day is sure to come as chilly Omaha winds. Just as America’s favorite colonel was dragged screaming from the courtroom, Bo will be dragged screaming from the stadium by state troopers, trying to assault cheating coaches, biased referees, clueless athletic directors, fans who leave early, fans who don’t leave early, sports writers intent on destroying America’s ability to compete globally, lazy players, his family and anyone else who conspires against him. Like Jessup, he sees himself as a victim to a world unappreciative of his endless sacrifices. And like Jessup, he has us all unable to turn away from the dumpster fire he fuels daily.