The Douchiest Cities in the US

This list of the Douchiest Cities in the US is very discerning. You won’t find Cleveland, Detroit and Buffalo here, which are merely wretched places to live. In order to be a true Douchie City, the residents have to be in love with the shining image of themselves, especially when the image is far from the reality. Enjoy your visit!

Greenwich Douchebags

#10 Greenwich One of the original pretentious New England communities, Greenwich could reopen as a theme park for preppy lifestyles. Visitors may be surprised to find that despite the abundance of private schools, upper-class accents and investment bankers, you’ll still be expected to pick up lunch by your host.
Poster Child: Judge Judy

Portland Douchebags

#9 Portleattle Residents of Portland and Seattle are apparently applying for admittance into the European Union. With their street cars, light rail and condescending attitudes, the residents delight in their enlightened community, which is odd, considering they have just as many strip malls and ugly suburbs as everyone else.
Poster Child: Tonya Harding

cowboys-fans are Douchebags

#8 Dallas Never has a city tried harder to be something it isn’t. For reasons that remain unclear, people here convinced themselves that Chicago and #3 New York are worth imitating and they spend their time and considerable treasure doing so in all the wrong ways. The result is a “classy” city that celebrates ostentatious wealth on a scale difficult to fathom.
Poster Child: Jerry Jones

atlanta Douchebags

#7 Atlanta The Capitol of the South is just weird. Here, the lost art of passive-aggressive behavior is still revered. For a part of the world that prides itself on gentlemanly behavior, you can never feel as unwelcome as you do when visiting Atlanta, all because the residents secretly believe their city is still occupied by Northern Aggressors.
Poster Child: Ted Turner

5073078-cheers_San_Francisco Douchebags

#6 San Francisco For sheer pretentiousness, it’s hard to top a city so in love with the cartoonish image of itself that it serves sushi at football games. Revenge of the Nerds: Another incriminating factor is the high number of touchy-freely companies located nearby that spend their time figuring out new ways to control every aspect of our lives.
Poster Child: Mark Zuckerberg

los angeles scientology Douchebags

#5 Los Angeles All the problems of #3 New York, (traffic, crime, high cost of living) and none of the benefits. The city that brought us Herbal Life and Scientology takes out its decades of cultural bullying from #6 San Francisco by beating up on poor, defenseless San Diego.
Poster Child: Tom Cruise


#4 Santa Barbara Why can’t everyone be as progressive as us? Why doesn’t everyone just hire a Danish architect firm and build a $3,000,000 environmentally-friendly home overlooking the Pacific Ocean and have it featured in Dwell magazine? Don’t they care about self-sustaining living?
Poster Child: Oprah Winfrey


#3 New York For a city whose citizens are constantly reminding themselves how much more sophisticated they are than anyone else, they sure get excited about crappy celebrity sightings (Justin Beiber, Madonna, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) Don’t believe me? Read the rags that more accurately represent the city; New York Magazine and the New York Post.
Poster Child: Sylvester Stallone

Boston Douchebags

#2 Boston There is something very suspicious about the city that claims to be the birthplace of American liberty. Funny how Boston residents spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting the pretentiousness of the former English masters they worked so hard to remove. It’s a nice place, if you treasure being ignored, old money, green blazers, afternoon tea and overrated colleges.
Poster Child: Mitt Romney


#1 Washington DC What could be more Douchie than being the capitol of the country that always poses as the good guys while doing whatever the heck it wants to everyone else? Appropriately situated in a swamp, the city lives up to its reputation as the world’s largest frat house with fraternity pranks performed on a global scale. Recently, the various spy agencies have taken internet bullying to a whole new level. And politicians here don’t even have to wait for Rush Week to embark on sex scandals.
Poster Child: NSA Director Keith Alexander